You Can't Handle the Truth!
Fact: All of these lines are taken from actual court records. ---- Lawyer: Was that the same nose you broke as a child? Witness: I only have one, you know. ---- Lawyer: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? Witness: By death. Lawyer: And by whose death was it terminated? ---- Accused, Defending His Own Case: Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse? The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail. ---- Lawyer: What is your date of birth? Witness: July 15th. Lawyer: What year? Witness: Every year. ---- Lawyer: Can you tell us what was stolen from your house? Witness: There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet. Lawyer: Can you identify the rifle? Witness: Yes. There was something written on the side of it. Lawyer: And what did the writing say? Witness: 'Winchester'. ---- Lawyer: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ---- Lawyer: Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like? Witness: No. He was wearing a mask. Lawyer: What was he wearing under the mask? Witness: Er...his face. ---- Lawyer: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? Witness: Yes. Lawyer: And in what ways does it affect your memory? Witness: I forget. Lawyer: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? ---- Lawyer: How old is your son, the one living with you? Witness: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Lawyer: How long has he lived with you? Witness: Forty-five years. ---- Lawyer: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? Witness: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' Lawyer: And why did that upset you? Witness: My name is Susan. ---- Lawyer: Sir, what is your IQ? Witness: Well, I can see pretty well, I think. ---- Lawyer: You say that the stairs went down to the basement? Witness: Yes. Lawyer: And these stairs, did they go up also? ---- Lawyer: Have you lived in this town all your life? Witness: Not yet. ---- Lawyer: Did you blow the horn or anything? Witness: After the accident? Lawyer: Before the accident. Witness: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it. ---- Lawyer: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? Witness: Yes. Lawyer: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? Witness: Yes, sir. Lawyer: What did she say? Witness: 'What disco am I at?' ---- Lawyer: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision? ---- Lawyer: And you check your radar unit frequently? Officer: Yes, I do. Lawyer: And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar? Officer: Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly. ---- Lawyer: What happened then? Witness: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.' Lawyer: Did he kill you? ---- Lawyer: Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man-- Witness: Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment. ---- Lawyer: You were there until the time you left, is that true? ---- Lawyer: So you were gone until you returned? ---- Lawyer: The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he? ---- Lawyer: Were you alone or by yourself? ---- Lawyer: How long have you been a French Canadian? ---- Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard. Lawyer: Was this a male or a female? ---- Lawyer: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you? Witness: I went to Europe, sir. Lawyer: And you took your new wife? ---- Lawyer: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that ." Witness: That's me. Lawyer: Were you present when that picture was taken? ---- Lawyer: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in? ---- Lawyer: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? Witness: No. Lawyer: Did you check for blood pressure? Witness: No. Lawyer: Did you check for breathing? Witness: No. Lawyer: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? Witness: No. Lawyer: How can you be so sure, Doctor? Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Lawyer: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere. ---- Lawyer: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning? ---- Lawyer: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war? ---- Lawyer: She had three children, right? Witness: Yes. Lawyer: How many were boys? Witness: None. Lawyer: Were there any girls? ---- Lawyer: Do you know how far pregnant you are now? Witness: I'll be three months on March 12th. Lawyer: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th? Witness: Yes. Lawyer: What were you doing at that time? ---- Lawyer: Do you have any children or anything of that kind? ---- Lawyer: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable? Witness: I used to be. Lawyer: How many times have you committed suicide? ---- Lawyer: You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it? ---- A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question." ---- Lawyer: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary's Hospital? Witness: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M. Lawyer: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct? Witness: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him! Category:Lawyer Humor